Beauty. I have been writing a post for next week on outward, superficial beauty. "Fresh Summer Looks", to be exact. This is a tough one. I've been hiding under the glare of burlesque spotlights, behind the computer's blurry Photo Booth glow, beneath lots of under-eye concealer (which isn't really cutting it). When did my hands wrinkle like the hands of someone fifteen years older than me? When did I get ten thousand more freckles? All this time I've been freaking out about my size, three years postpartum and not fitting into anything. I should've been paying attention to everything else.
I feel "beautiful", or one of its myriad shades, every day. But when you stare back at yourself after taking hundreds of self-portraits, that gets lost. I am not sure how far-reaching this upcoming post will be, but there is a chance it will reach more readers than usual, which makes me nervous. So nervous that I ran the photos through filters, which feels pretty dishonest to me. I can't help myself though. I'm starting to understand those magazine covers now, which I have always been so, so against. It's sad. It comes down to fear of ridicule. Would I like to make a stand and show the sponsor and whoever reads the post that overweight forty two year old women with tons of freckles and a good amount of wrinkles can be beautiful? Yes, sure. BUT, I've got to test the water first. And, not every freckle actually is beautiful, if you know what I mean.
Of course there plain old self-consciousness, and the worry of being called out on my "duck lips". Lord knows I try to fight them, but my mouth looks better to me closed. I try to pick the least offensive shots, but it's tough.
There is one positive thing I've discovered while doing this exercise. I have found that if I take a set of photos of myself, look at them, and then put them away, they all look MUCH better when I look at them the next day. This has been pretty consistent over the last few weeks. Analyze that.
In closing, I am as superficial as the next person, and ALWAYS WEAR SUNSCREEN, even on your hands.
Have a great weekend, friends. Stella's summer vacation (post camp) officially begins today at 3:00 p.m., and I cannot wait!